Really? Really that long since I posted? Goodness, how life has taken a turn and a shift away from the path I was on. Okay really, just a detour and now back to the main path. Those little paths through the woods sometimes bring about a new light, direction, a new insight into our goals and plans for life. Where have I been you ask? Well, putting all those plans into motion. Our new deck is on, the playset is up. Lots of new BIG items here in our home. And the unbelievable sense of how quickly money slips away. All ok though, because we used it wisely for the things we needed and or wanted. Just another checkmark in the box of making this NEW home OUR home. Still much to do, but it will get done. I am learning that not all things need to be done at once, and that patience is a good thing. A good thing that I need to cultivate.
And growth in my understanding of my relationship with my oldest boy. Understanding that I love him, but not his behaviors. Understanding that in order for him to grow (as hard as it is for me) I need to let him go. Although under not very nice and Brady Bunch family circumstances, he isn't here right now. I don't know when he will be back or if he will be back, or how our relationship will be mended. I only know that I cannot save him anymore. I cannot be responsible for his actions, he must take responsibility. My role should be that of support, and I'm not good at it. I have to dip my hands in and warn and threaten consequences, but it does no good. Only upsets us and creates disharmony here. As hard as it is to let go, if he grows to understand responsibility and pride, then my pain is well worth it. My humility and pride of having told my child to leave if he "didn't like the rules here" And he did, out into the night, no word for a week. And then only a brief message that he would be by to get his other things. I have to let him go though because if I don't he will never grow out from under what I want him to be...he must learn what he wants to be. Hardships of motherhood. It's not all fun and games. And it hurts ALOT. And you never know if you made the right decision, the right choice. You can only HOPE that in the future they will understand, forgive, see the reasons. And you PRAY that they will be safe and happy.