Monday, September 29, 2014

my fake smile

I feel like I should make a fake smiley face, glue it on a popsicle stick and hold it up to my head.  That's how smiley I feel lately.  I am just so frustrated.  Frustrated that I feel stuck in the mud, that I am confined into this little life I am not happy with.  Sad that I can't live the life I want, do the things I want to do.  Live the life I planned.  I tell myself God has me here for a reason.  A purpose.  I know I just feel like I could be so much more useful at home.  I am happy at home.  I hate being away from it.  I want to be with my kids.  I want to be awake for my kids, lol. It is sometimes so overwhelming to day in and day out hear about how sick people are, to hear their woes.  It's like there is no ray of sunshine in that whole place.  Everybody complains, me too!  I am doing it right now.  I am just so frustrated.  I need to focus on the good.  It's hard though.  My fuse is short there and at home and I am just downright unhappy.  I want to homestead my little plot here and I feel like I can't because other people aren't pulling their weight.  I always seem to feel like someone else is keeping me from it, or is that my excuse?  I don't know.  I'm tired of always being the one who has to come up with the plan.  How about if someone else be the grown up for a while?  I am a micromanager though.  So it's hard.  I want to give it up, but I can't.  lol  what a dilemma that is. 

What would it take to make me truly happy?  How could I achieve it? 

Monday, September 15, 2014

where have you been?

Well?  What's your excuse?  Where have you been?  Oh, well.  Me, well I have been busy.  Yes, busy doing stuff, like worrying and procrastinating, and trying to remove myself from social media, gardening ,homeschooling some kids and taking kids to karate.   But mostly I have been trying to have some storybook life that I THINK EVERYONE ELSE HAS.  Then I realized, it's all a lie.  A BIG FAT LIE. 

I am going to quit trying to be it all.  I am just going to be me.  I love to craft and create and I am tired of not doing it.  I suck at making new friends and trying to be someone I am definitely not.  Like me or not, I'm here to stay. 

I hate the humidity and the bugs here.  I want cool weather.  I want to live in Maine.  Ugh.  I so miss fall. Like a lot.  Leaves. Ugh, I miss them.  North Georgia would be a better fit for us.  But no way we are moving, so it's here we shall stay.  I will make the best of it. 

I bought a red couch today, crimson to be exact.  I am going to put chevron print pillows on it.  I have plans for a big chevron print above my couch in the family room I am going to make it too.  Just you wait and see.  I am so happy tonight because I don't have to go back to work for 3 days.  Well, I do , but not to work, only for class.  Ahhh.   I sat tonight and read Family Circle and Family Fun and it was awesome.  It's all about fall.  Crisp.  All my favorite earthy colors.  Do you know when the last time was I sat and really, really read a magazine?  Forever ago.  That's when. This life is too short for all the dang worrying and overachieving I have been doing.  Live in the moment.  Enjoy.  I haven't been enjoying anything lately.  I've been worrying and fretting over stupid shit that means nothing in the big scheme of things.  Get lost meaningless crap, I have no time for you.  The dogs help, they so love unconditionally.