I feel like I should make a fake smiley face, glue it on a popsicle stick and hold it up to my head. That's how smiley I feel lately. I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that I feel stuck in the mud, that I am confined into this little life I am not happy with. Sad that I can't live the life I want, do the things I want to do. Live the life I planned. I tell myself God has me here for a reason. A purpose. I know I just feel like I could be so much more useful at home. I am happy at home. I hate being away from it. I want to be with my kids. I want to be awake for my kids, lol. It is sometimes so overwhelming to day in and day out hear about how sick people are, to hear their woes. It's like there is no ray of sunshine in that whole place. Everybody complains, me too! I am doing it right now. I am just so frustrated. I need to focus on the good. It's hard though. My fuse is short there and at home and I am just downright unhappy. I want to homestead my little plot here and I feel like I can't because other people aren't pulling their weight. I always seem to feel like someone else is keeping me from it, or is that my excuse? I don't know. I'm tired of always being the one who has to come up with the plan. How about if someone else be the grown up for a while? I am a micromanager though. So it's hard. I want to give it up, but I can't. lol what a dilemma that is.
What would it take to make me truly happy? How could I achieve it?
Monday, September 29, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
where have you been?
Well? What's your excuse? Where have you been? Oh, well. Me, well I have been busy. Yes, busy doing stuff, like worrying and procrastinating, and trying to remove myself from social media, gardening ,homeschooling some kids and taking kids to karate. But mostly I have been trying to have some storybook life that I THINK EVERYONE ELSE HAS. Then I realized, it's all a lie. A BIG FAT LIE.
I am going to quit trying to be it all. I am just going to be me. I love to craft and create and I am tired of not doing it. I suck at making new friends and trying to be someone I am definitely not. Like me or not, I'm here to stay.
I hate the humidity and the bugs here. I want cool weather. I want to live in Maine. Ugh. I so miss fall. Like a lot. Leaves. Ugh, I miss them. North Georgia would be a better fit for us. But no way we are moving, so it's here we shall stay. I will make the best of it.
I bought a red couch today, crimson to be exact. I am going to put chevron print pillows on it. I have plans for a big chevron print above my couch in the family room I am going to make it too. Just you wait and see. I am so happy tonight because I don't have to go back to work for 3 days. Well, I do , but not to work, only for class. Ahhh. I sat tonight and read Family Circle and Family Fun and it was awesome. It's all about fall. Crisp. All my favorite earthy colors. Do you know when the last time was I sat and really, really read a magazine? Forever ago. That's when. This life is too short for all the dang worrying and overachieving I have been doing. Live in the moment. Enjoy. I haven't been enjoying anything lately. I've been worrying and fretting over stupid shit that means nothing in the big scheme of things. Get lost meaningless crap, I have no time for you. The dogs help, they so love unconditionally.
me
I am going to quit trying to be it all. I am just going to be me. I love to craft and create and I am tired of not doing it. I suck at making new friends and trying to be someone I am definitely not. Like me or not, I'm here to stay.
I hate the humidity and the bugs here. I want cool weather. I want to live in Maine. Ugh. I so miss fall. Like a lot. Leaves. Ugh, I miss them. North Georgia would be a better fit for us. But no way we are moving, so it's here we shall stay. I will make the best of it.
I bought a red couch today, crimson to be exact. I am going to put chevron print pillows on it. I have plans for a big chevron print above my couch in the family room I am going to make it too. Just you wait and see. I am so happy tonight because I don't have to go back to work for 3 days. Well, I do , but not to work, only for class. Ahhh. I sat tonight and read Family Circle and Family Fun and it was awesome. It's all about fall. Crisp. All my favorite earthy colors. Do you know when the last time was I sat and really, really read a magazine? Forever ago. That's when. This life is too short for all the dang worrying and overachieving I have been doing. Live in the moment. Enjoy. I haven't been enjoying anything lately. I've been worrying and fretting over stupid shit that means nothing in the big scheme of things. Get lost meaningless crap, I have no time for you. The dogs help, they so love unconditionally.
me
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
bittersweet
With a little sweet sadness, we said goodbye to Brooklet Elementary School today. Not that we didn't enjoy our time there, we did. The kids have wonderful memories of friends and teacghers from the past 3 years. We are embarking on a new adventure, and I must admit it's a little "scary", but we have been led down this path and we are full of hopeful eagerness.
I have worries, mostly because traditional public school is ALL I ever knew. I had fond memories of singing in the musicals, assemblies, metal playground equipment, and the sheer amount of stuff crammed into each classroom. I worry that my kids will somehow miss out on some grand memory, but I am assured by my homeschooling friends that it is replaced with something better, something real.
Elementary school in 2014 is much different than the one I attended in the 1980's. Our reasons for leaving have to do with the standardization, the robotics of education, and the philosophy of No Child Left Behind. My children were not the victims of bullies, nor do I dislike the school itself. I am appalled by the last generation that our society put out....the irresponsible, entitled brats who have no idea how to handle defeat. I saw this behavior in my own children. Was some of it from me...YES! Did the learn it at school.....YES! We made the decision to change ourselves, our outlook, our parenting style and put a stop to the cycle that is turning out these youth.
We want out children to understand that someone wins and someone loses, and sometimes it's you. You don't always get a prize. You are not always super duper special. You are unique and we love you just the way you are. We can involve God as much as we want and we believe the government has no business in our children's education. We want our kids to have an innocent childhood, one that doesn't expose them to adult themes until they are adults. What's the rush to grow up?
So, yes, I have a bittersweet heart about them not having the old elementary school memories that I recall. But I ask myself, is that even possible? The world today is so much different than the one I grew up in. My goal is to give them the best possible gift I can, the gift of family. The gift of togetherness. I hope I can meet my goal.
sue
I have worries, mostly because traditional public school is ALL I ever knew. I had fond memories of singing in the musicals, assemblies, metal playground equipment, and the sheer amount of stuff crammed into each classroom. I worry that my kids will somehow miss out on some grand memory, but I am assured by my homeschooling friends that it is replaced with something better, something real.
Elementary school in 2014 is much different than the one I attended in the 1980's. Our reasons for leaving have to do with the standardization, the robotics of education, and the philosophy of No Child Left Behind. My children were not the victims of bullies, nor do I dislike the school itself. I am appalled by the last generation that our society put out....the irresponsible, entitled brats who have no idea how to handle defeat. I saw this behavior in my own children. Was some of it from me...YES! Did the learn it at school.....YES! We made the decision to change ourselves, our outlook, our parenting style and put a stop to the cycle that is turning out these youth.
We want out children to understand that someone wins and someone loses, and sometimes it's you. You don't always get a prize. You are not always super duper special. You are unique and we love you just the way you are. We can involve God as much as we want and we believe the government has no business in our children's education. We want our kids to have an innocent childhood, one that doesn't expose them to adult themes until they are adults. What's the rush to grow up?
So, yes, I have a bittersweet heart about them not having the old elementary school memories that I recall. But I ask myself, is that even possible? The world today is so much different than the one I grew up in. My goal is to give them the best possible gift I can, the gift of family. The gift of togetherness. I hope I can meet my goal.
sue
Friday, May 16, 2014
Weight Watchers Day 1
Today I started Weight Watchers again. I had joined back before I got pregnant with Lucas, so it's time. I'm probably about 40-50 lbs overweight for my height. I'd be happy to weight about 150...and that's a 30lb weight loss for me. I am tired all the time and I hate that I don't have the energy I used to...so it's time for a change! I already know where my pitfalls are...beer and carbs! I did some mild yoga this morning...just basic poses. It feels so great to just . I used to be so limber and I know I can get there again :) Here's hoping we see some weight off in about 5 days...that would be awesome!!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
busy
The littlest of the littles is on the move...crawling that is. Not far,but just enough to get himself stuck under the coffee table and let out little whimpers until I scoop him up and set him on another course. And we have a birthday today. A sweet blonde haired boy turns six today.
It seems like only yesterday that I was watching him learn how to crawl across the floor... sigh. These are the final days of public school this week and next. In my heart I am caught between joy, fear and longing. Joyful to be done with the standardized rituals and testing. Fear comes in the form of anxiety...notbeing sure I will ever be able to do it and still have my kids love me when it's all over. And longing...a longing for those elementary school milestones. Will they miss our on the school plays, the yearly photos? I pray about this daily. My decision is made, but I still worry that it's the right one. My faith needs to strengthen in this task because He set this path before me and I want to fulfill His will. It will all be okay.....breathe......breathe......breathe.
I've taken to sleeping on the family room couch as Lucas is finally sleeping in his crib and his room is too far for comfort from our master bedroom. So the couch has been my bed for some time. And perchance if he wakes in the middle of the night and needs to snuggle, we just curl up together in the spare bedroom until the sun rises. Thankfully he is sleeping through the night because one week ago we became parents to a different kind of baby...a furry one, or two. Two to be exact. Siberian Husky and Australian Shephard mix pups. So sweet....and FUZZY. Gabe is brown and white and definitely has more Husky in him. Buck is black and white and will probably have husky ears but a Shephard face. They were only five weeks when they came to us, but they are doing amazingly well. They already use their paper inside for" messes" and "go" everytime we go out. A few howling episodes here and there, but mostly, just amazingly well mannered. We are working on the "sit" command this week.
It really has been a busy past week. We finished the new chicken coop and moved the new hens and roosters in. Two of our hens and one of the roosters left with a table and chairs as a trade for the pups. Lol, bartering, I suppose. Pepper spent two nights in the pen, but she was being a bit of a bully to the new girls so I let her out to free range. She sleeps on the deck handrail right outside the back window....sigh. The nursery is also in the process of receiving some new (and much needed) flooring. I opted to piece in the carpet (again) in the family room as my master plan is to put laminate down in there too. All in due time. There are still so many unfinished projects (the master bath trim, the kids bedroom trimwork and that unfinished reading nook I had great aspirations for, the music room and then there is the everchanging craft/homeschool room). It will all get done and it will be as it is supposed to be. No worrying allowed here.
Between projects I am personally working on me. Yes, me. My role as a parent, working on having a chilled reaction to these angry outbursts from Madison. Working on not getting overwhelmed when they all come at me at once needing something. I am working on teaching them to be a little more independent and a little less messy. And I am working on not freaking out when everything isn't in it's place. Can you imagine? This is in my daily prayers. Pray for me too, please. But for now, I burn lavender incense to infuse some calm into the house. Not sure if it helps or just makes me sneeze!
It seems like only yesterday that I was watching him learn how to crawl across the floor... sigh. These are the final days of public school this week and next. In my heart I am caught between joy, fear and longing. Joyful to be done with the standardized rituals and testing. Fear comes in the form of anxiety...notbeing sure I will ever be able to do it and still have my kids love me when it's all over. And longing...a longing for those elementary school milestones. Will they miss our on the school plays, the yearly photos? I pray about this daily. My decision is made, but I still worry that it's the right one. My faith needs to strengthen in this task because He set this path before me and I want to fulfill His will. It will all be okay.....breathe......breathe......breathe.
I've taken to sleeping on the family room couch as Lucas is finally sleeping in his crib and his room is too far for comfort from our master bedroom. So the couch has been my bed for some time. And perchance if he wakes in the middle of the night and needs to snuggle, we just curl up together in the spare bedroom until the sun rises. Thankfully he is sleeping through the night because one week ago we became parents to a different kind of baby...a furry one, or two. Two to be exact. Siberian Husky and Australian Shephard mix pups. So sweet....and FUZZY. Gabe is brown and white and definitely has more Husky in him. Buck is black and white and will probably have husky ears but a Shephard face. They were only five weeks when they came to us, but they are doing amazingly well. They already use their paper inside for" messes" and "go" everytime we go out. A few howling episodes here and there, but mostly, just amazingly well mannered. We are working on the "sit" command this week.
It really has been a busy past week. We finished the new chicken coop and moved the new hens and roosters in. Two of our hens and one of the roosters left with a table and chairs as a trade for the pups. Lol, bartering, I suppose. Pepper spent two nights in the pen, but she was being a bit of a bully to the new girls so I let her out to free range. She sleeps on the deck handrail right outside the back window....sigh. The nursery is also in the process of receiving some new (and much needed) flooring. I opted to piece in the carpet (again) in the family room as my master plan is to put laminate down in there too. All in due time. There are still so many unfinished projects (the master bath trim, the kids bedroom trimwork and that unfinished reading nook I had great aspirations for, the music room and then there is the everchanging craft/homeschool room). It will all get done and it will be as it is supposed to be. No worrying allowed here.
Between projects I am personally working on me. Yes, me. My role as a parent, working on having a chilled reaction to these angry outbursts from Madison. Working on not getting overwhelmed when they all come at me at once needing something. I am working on teaching them to be a little more independent and a little less messy. And I am working on not freaking out when everything isn't in it's place. Can you imagine? This is in my daily prayers. Pray for me too, please. But for now, I burn lavender incense to infuse some calm into the house. Not sure if it helps or just makes me sneeze!
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